What to wear to your mother’s funeral
On this day last month I was marking the anniversary of Mum’s funeral. Only I didn’t really mark it too much. I spent a lot of time with friends and I laid some flowers for her. From the day of her funeral to any subsequent commemorating dates, I’ve generally tried not to make the noting of her death too bleak and black. I have attempted to fill the space, her space, with light rather than shadows.
For her funeral, I asked guests not to wear black and instead to wear colour, which Mum loved. Man, did that woman wear colour well! Fuchsia pink, lavender, terracotta, you name it, she wore it. Being her next of kin, it was up to me to organise and lead the funeral. Up to me to stand up in front of near on 100 people and pay our collective respects to this remarkable woman. (Though to be fair I hogged most of it with tales of us… soz!)
So I needed an outfit that would communicate a number of things:
Let’s celebrate in her life, not wallow in her death.
Let’s celebrate her love of colour, because colour is everywhere, we just need to remember to look for it.
Let’s draw strength from colour, as each colour's power taps into our emotions and those of others'.
I went out and bought two dresses. A yellow flower print, and a navy blue with yellow and orange koi carp and a pussy bow. It was a tough call but on the day I chose the carp print. Their winding bodies reflected an otherworldly sense of freedom.
On the podium, I felt sharp, in command and like my mother’s daughter. I drew strength from the colours and pattern, and felt free of my preferred but drab black. I had a job to do, and I wanted to do it well.
I still wear this and the yellow flower print dress on a regular basis. I didn’t allow it to become my Funeral Dress. Yeah a Funeral Dress is useful, but this wasn’t to have that life sentence. I wear it to work, I wear it out to dinner, I wear it wandering the streets of my city. When I do, I take a little piece of that strength and respect with me, and I don’t allow that day to be remembered as some traumatic experience or distant memory.
Your parent’s funeral marks an important time in your life, so how you will play it. What will you wear? What atmosphere do you wish to generate? How would you like to remember the day?
So my advice to you on this special occasion is:
DO wear something that empowers you, especially if you have to greet people or get up and speak.
DON'T wear black or dark colours just because that's standard funeral garb. This is your day, your mother's day, so own it with whatever colour you like. Most guests often appreciate the light reprieve anyway.
DO dress smartly, whatever 'smartly' looks like for you.
But DON'T go overboard on constricting cuts or hot materials you can't shed. The funeral and wake can potentially last all day and evening, and you might be moving around between different terrain and temperatures. Being in the spotlight and/or subject to overwhelming sadness can cause fluctuations in your internal body temperature and sugar levels, so limit the opportunities for passing out.
DO what you bloody well want. Yes, you need to take other (living) loved ones' feelings into account, but no-one should quash anyone else's freedom of expression. Enter into a dialogue if you need to and be sure to take into account what your mum would have wanted.