How to support people who are grieving

Not sure what to do or say? Everyone responds differently to grief. There is no one-size-fits-all approach for how to help friends and family who have lost a loved one. Each circumstance of how they came to be bereaved will differ. Personality, too, is a driving factor. I can only share what did and didn't work for me – an only child from a single parent family – when I lost my mum and leave you to use your best judgement to adapt as you see fit.

So, without further waffle, on we go to The Adult Orphan's top tips on how to support grieving friends and family. Don't forget to share your own in the comments below!

Flowers and a card go a long way. They mark your respect and show us you care.

Your pal doesn't like flowers? Think of something else that would make them smile. Not sure what to write in your card? Try not to oversaturate the page with cliché sympathetic sentiments. Rather, just remind them in your own words that you are thinking of them and are on standby if/when they need you. Use language the two of you would normally draw for, otherwise it can feel a little depressing.

We might not ask for company, especially if we're not particularly close. So be prepared to offer.

Your friend might feel awkward reaching out, so every now and then just remind them that you are there. It's useful to give specific offers of support, as they may not even know what it is that they want. And support doesn't always come in the form you most expect. It could just be a bit of company wandering into town to close down bank accounts or buy an outfit for the funeral. Or to watch TV together with a lap dinner one evening. Tell them you don't have to talk about anything; it's just a bit of company and normality in an otherwise heavy time. They are bound to have ‘I have would have done xyz with Mum or Dad’ moments, so have a think about what they might be missing. My Master your own support network post contains a few suggestions.

Let us grieve in our own way.

If they choose not to (or simply cannot) cry in front of you, let it be. If they don't want to talk about it with you a few days after finding out, that's ok. If they choose to bury themselves under a duvet and not shower for a few days, so what? If they're calm and pragmatic in the days and weeks after the death, they're not a problem that you're responsible for solving. However they behave – unless you have a serious concern – respect their coping mechanisms and give them the support that they need. If you truly want to help, ask your friend what they want and listen. We all react differently to being plunged headfirst into grief, and will experience the 'stages' in different orders. How you think people will behave isn't necessarily the 'right' way for everyone.

Without meaning to sound ungrateful, please don't compare our dead parent to the time you lost your cat.

At this crucial point in your friend's journey, be very careful about what story of loss you choose to share with any person whose parent has just died. Especially if they were young. Or if they have lost any other person they were very close with, like a partner, best friend or sibling, for that matter. Unless you can guarantee the pain you felt and long-lasting upheaval to life is truly comparable, I would keep schtum about little Tigger and just be a good listener. When I lost my mum, she was 57 and I had just turned 28, so to be honest unless I went looking for it, I struggled being unwittingly subjected to stories of loss that (in my self-absorbed grief) did not match up to the loss I was feeling. It just made me bitter. Over time this changed, but initially, no thanks; unless you have some sound advice or knew a friend who went through something similar.

There is a good chance we will get sick. Keep us fed and watered, and get us to a doctor if we need medical intervention.

It is not uncommon for the shock received to trigger a fight or flight adrenal response. Left 'unused', this messes up the nervous system and can leave us more open to illness or felt more severely. This fluctuating state can last longer than you think. Two days after I found out about my mum's death I got the flu and was bed-ridden for days. The unexpected and tragic news literally floored my immune system and I spent the next 12 months with endless stomach bugs and bouts of the flu, which was incredibly frustrating as I had always been healthy and rarely caught illnesses, even colds.

Let bygones be bygones, at least for the time being. Then feel free to pick a bone with me after the dust has settled.

Whatever has gone before this, whatever unresolved issues there are between the two of you, let them lie for the time being. Please. Your friend is going through quite possibly the most traumatic experience of their life. Especially if they now find themselves almost completely familyless, in which case they will never have felt more alone, more abandoned and more distraught in their whole life. Now is simply not the time to drag up bad history or slate them for other problems between the two of you. Unless you really don’t have any interest in retaining the friendship, in which case it’s probably better to just let them be completely. Grief is tough enough to cope with as it is, and people just need to know that their friends and family have unconditionally got their back. Deal with the other stuff later. They will love you for it.

Bear with our rollercoaster moods.

On behalf of your friend, I apologise for their ever-changing emotions and mood swings. They will be all over the place. One minute smiling, the next minute balling their eyes out for no apparent reason. Only there is a good reason, it’s just that their loss isn’t on your mind as much as it is on theirs. A few weeks after my mum died, I turned up at someone’s house after having been crying in the car on the way there. The person looked confused and asked, “What's wrong?! Has something happened?” “What do you think is wrong?!” I snapped. Cue heated argument. Just assume if your friend is 'insert negative emotion here', it’s because it’s going to take a long while for the thoughts, feelings and moods to balance out.

Heads up, here’s a non-exhaustive, non-consecutive list of emotions they may be feeling:

Bitter, jealous, sad, angry, guilty, disappointed, incredulous, accepting, loved, vulnerable, lonely, rational, embarrassed, abandoned, nihilistic, strong, hopeful, despairing, regretful, anxious, sensitive, desperate, tested, punished, grateful, proud, frightened, focused, clingy, irritable, self-protective, empty, broken-hearted, overwhelmed, disconnected, relieved.

And no, I didn’t just pick a bunch of words out of a thesaurus. These are from memory.

Fight the awkwardness and offer us some financial or practical support towards the funeral arrangements.

Did you know that funerals costs thousands of pounds? Even the cheapest of options can be a real sting if arrangements haven’t been made in the deceased’s lifetime. I held a woodland burial for Mum, picked the cheapest option and cut out all of the frills, including a plaque, which came later. It still cost over £4,500 and I had to stick it on a credit card. In the midst of the arrangements I had friends offering to contribute in all kinds of practical ways – food and drink for guests at the wake, paying for the printing of the Order of Service booklets, and so on. It can even replace the gift of flowers or donations to a charity. I’m pretty sure it’s what the deceased would want most, to know that their child is not caught between a rock and a hard place because of them (and stubborn pride).

After the funeral I had a couple of family and friends contributing whatever they could towards the costs of the funeral and the headstone. But my word, was it a rough ride. I am not one to ask for help (taking after my mum in that respect), however I was desperate and couldn’t have done it without that help.

Check in with us every now and then, and not just for the first week.

You could even set yourself regular reminders on your phone for the first six months, jogging your memory to see how everything’s going. It’s easy to forget with such busy lives we all lead, our own dramas and achievements. And it’s understandable that you might feel uncomfortable bringing up that topic. Don't make it the elephant in the room. The bigger person puts their own self-protectionism aside occasionally and brings up an awks subject. The most valuable people in the grieving period (which, no, isn’t just a week, or even a month) are those who don’t forget to drop a "How are you finding things?" into conversations here and there. You don’t have to turn it into a big deal or try and foster some huge conversation about it. Just a little something that acknowledges that something life-altering has happened here. Oh and keeping them alive through normalisation of talking about our dead loved one is a truly beautiful thing.

Sooo, tips? Tips? Anyone got any tips? Below please! Questions too, either here or by contacting me directly.