Grief is a journey with no set destination

It depends how long it's been since your parent/s died, but I’ve found it constructive to picture myself on a journey. It is a difficult journey, a hero’s quest, with many dangers along the way. But ultimately we are all masters of our own stories. In your story, will your hero have a happy ending? Or is it a tragedy through to the bitter end, with your hero succumbing to the perils?

This blog post is written five and half years into my journey. Informing it are scribbled journal notes I made three and a half years into this journey. It has had many ups and downs, and each peak and trough has contained invaluable lessons.

Alexia, three and a half years ago: ‘The road has not been smooth. It has had many ups and downs. But my rocky road has become a stony path.’

Alexia, now: ‘And so the stone path turns to gravel. My footing is a little firmer.’

The gravel may never transform into concrete, let alone marble. Cat litter, perhaps.

Only time will tell. Which is why writing along the journey is such a cathartic experience. Not only is it an outlet for deep reflection at the time of writing but it also serves as a time capsule in which you can preserve your very own story. A message in a bottle to your future self. To your own children maybe, who could seek comfort if one day they find themselves in the same position.

I’ve said it before, but the growing you do when faced with adversity is immense. It’s not uncommon that the wisest, strongest people with real depth of character and conviction are those who have undergone hardship or tragedy.

There are many events in life that we have no control over whatsoever and sadly people dying on us is one of them. Without wanting to be too blunt on the one hand or too ‘glass half full/half empty’ on the other:

Whether we like it or not, this has happened to us.

We can’t change what has happened.

There is no going back.

And my God, does it suck. The realisation in the early days, day after day, again and again, that this is how it will be forever is quite literally heartbreaking. Someone you loved deeply is never coming back. But… But… What we do have control over are our thoughts, our perceptions, our attitudes, our actions.

This isn’t about painting everything with a rose tint, but a wash of understanding that we can use to shape our present and our future. I have learnt so much about myself and my mum in these past few years, things I wouldn't have known now otherwise. I am informed by my past but I am not bound by it.

Sometimes slow and steady wins the race. It took me a while to look ahead with hope and plan more than a few months to a year in advance. Everyone will have a different journey, different terrain to tread. We all get there in our own time, and when we do ‘get there’ we may realise ‘there’ was never the final destination but a resting point before ploughing ahead to the next life experience, good or bad.

Oh, and that’s my ma in the pic above, on our trip to Scotland. When I saw her in that exact moment, walking ahead of me in that glow of the winter sun, I knew that I would find a use for the photo. Here’s to your own journey, Mum, whatever phase you're on right now.